Interesting opening, Tim. I have always liked using a captivating introduction, as you have done.
To strengthen your piece, I have a few recommendations.
I do not know if it's the formatting of the blog or not, but your paragraphs seem to be rather lengthy, and could stand to benefit by being more condensed. Your ideas are good, but they are linked to ideas immediately thereafter that are not always along the same line of thought.
With regard to the Ontario guidelines,it is good to see that you have integrated many of them into your essay. Personally, I like to see direct quotes from sources. You have chosen to paraphrase them. I have always perceived that to be a somewhat risky practice, because your interpretation may not be accurately paraphrased. I think it's a safer bet to quote it, and then state your position. This permits the reader to analyze your thoughts, and will allow them to make a proper decision as to the validity of your argument.
Tim: In case I'm in time. I agree most with Bill's 3rd paragraph. You need at least to use some spacing to indicate paragraphing. But more than that, for this reader, you need to establish a concise response to the question posed so that you have a thesis to begin with. I think this will allow you to organize better. I'm with Bill: Lots of times I thought the sentences presented ideas that were unrelated to what came before. You re-tell things from the film, for example, without us knowing what the point is. Hope this is helpful.
2 Comments:
Interesting opening, Tim. I have always liked using a captivating introduction, as you have done.
To strengthen your piece, I have a few recommendations.
I do not know if it's the formatting of the blog or not, but your paragraphs seem to be rather lengthy, and could stand to benefit by being more condensed. Your ideas are good, but they are linked to ideas immediately thereafter that are not always along the same line of thought.
With regard to the Ontario guidelines,it is good to see that you have integrated many of them into your essay. Personally, I like to see direct quotes from sources. You have chosen to paraphrase them. I have always perceived that to be a somewhat risky practice, because your interpretation may not be accurately paraphrased. I think it's a safer bet to quote it, and then state your position. This permits the reader to analyze your thoughts, and will allow them to make a proper decision as to the validity of your argument.
Tim: In case I'm in time. I agree most with Bill's 3rd paragraph. You need at least to use some spacing to indicate paragraphing. But more than that, for this reader, you need to establish a concise response to the question posed so that you have a thesis to begin with. I think this will allow you to organize better. I'm with Bill: Lots of times I thought the sentences presented ideas that were unrelated to what came before. You re-tell things from the film, for example, without us knowing what the point is.
Hope this is helpful.
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